[ Rumbling ]
[ Screaming, Echoing ]
- [ Woman ] Falling in love is beautiful. - [ Blowing Raspberry ]
[ Continues ]
We do it for one reason: nothing in the world makes us feel so good.
Don't! That hurts! [ Imitating ] Don't!
Oh, poor Kate. Let me make it better. Ow!
You're ugly. You're ugly!
[ Woman ] First love is the most powerful because no one's been hurt yet.
My first love was Bobby Norton.
Everything he did had a sort of magic to it.
The way he smiled, the way he talked,
the way he walked like my favorite actor, Billy Jack.
Bobby was a movie star.
[ Sighs ]
Hi. Hi.
You okay? Maybe you shouldn't shove so hard next time.
[ Sighs ] My heart just got bigger.
When I look at you like this, it looks like you only have one eye.
[ Scoffs ] Thank you.
[ School Bell Ringing ]
[ Woman ] One of the many differences...
between men and women when it comes to love...
is the need to tell the world every little detail.
If you do choose to spill your guts to someone,
just make sure it isn't Becky Sussman.
Bobby, are you okay? [ Sobbing ] How could you do it?
What did I do? You told everybody. How could you do that?
All my friends are making fun of me, and now it's over.
It's over!
Bobby!
Bobby, I'll tell your friends I was lying!
I'll let you hit me harder.
[ Kate Sobbing ] Bobby?
[ Woman ] Love is a mine field. You take a step,
get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again...
and stupidly take another step.
I guess that's human nature.
It hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow up than be single.
♪
[ Woman ] ♪ Clouds from chimneys rise
♪ They're something wild and free ♪
♪ That river always runs
♪ Away from here and you and me ♪
♪ Honey child
♪ Oh, my honey child
♪
♪ These stones are in your hands ♪
♪ Through the air across the sea ♪
♪ [ Fades ] What's new, Frank? Kate.
It, uh, doesn't make the elevator go any faster, Kate.
Yeah. I know. But it makes me feel more involved.
Are you angry? No! Why?
Well, I just heard this thing where single women...
tend to be eight times angrier than married women.
Maybe you should write an article about that, since you're not married.
Uh, yeah. [ Scoffs ] I would, but uh--
[ Elevator Dings ] I'm in the middle of writing an article...
on married bald guys who can't get hard without Viagra.
[ Woman ] ♪ Hold me closer
♪ Closer still and
♪ Closer, say I
♪ All the ways I will
♪
♪ Ah, honey child
- You're late. - I know.
Not a good day to be late. Why not?
Because the antichrist is really pissed at you.
She said she wants to see you in her office right now.
Oh, God. Why?
Well, I'm not supposed to say.
Do you have any stretch marks? Not yet.
Damn! Have a deadline on my vitamin E piece.
I know that heifer in accounting has them, but she's not talking.
[ Yelling ] Does anybody have any stretch marks?
Sit down.
Oh, God.
Don't get old, Kate. Old is ugly.
Ugly is death.
- You're fired. - What?
[ Into Intercom ] Get me Leo.
Were you planning on turning in the article I assigned after I read that one?
You said I should make the article my own, so I did.
Kate. [ Chuckles ] Kate, this is a step-by-step description of sucking cocks.
Right. Actually, I called it a blow-by-blow. Very clever.
"When life sucks, so should you. Oral sex can cure depression--"
What the fuck were you thinking? All right.
So maybe the title is a little harsh.
But I found a great hook, don't you think? When I said make it your own,
I meant draw from your own experiences and relationships.
That's what I did. I know ten times more about blow jobs...
than I do about relationships.
I've failed at every relationship I've ever been in.
I don't know what's going on in your personal life, and I really don't give a shit.
The point is, our readers still have hope.
This is called Monique magazine. Monique. My name is at stake here.
It is not called, Tired, Old, Jaded Dick-sucker Review.
All right. Wh-What if Mary...
writes the piece on perfect relationships,
and do the little thing on stretch marks.
I know tons of people with stretch marks.
[ Items From Purse Clattering ] Okay.
I'm going to be completely honest with you here.
I can't cope with being fired.
This is the only thing in my entire life I haven't failed at.
I can do the assignment. I know I can.
Can you finish 2,500 happy, perky words by deadline tonight?
- Absolutely. - Then you are temporarily "unfired."
Thank you. Now get the fuck out of my office.
[ Chattering ]
[ Sighs, Whispers ] Shit! Shit! Shit!
So, were you fired? Not yet.
Hey, somebody made a copy of your blow job article and circulated it.
Pretty good. So, you use your hands, huh?
[ Groans ]
Happy, perky notes...
on how to find and keep that perfect man.
[ Clicks Off ] [ Sighs ]
[ Kate ] We all want to be loved.
Sometimes it doesn't even matter who loves us,
as long as they make us feel less alone.
What makes a relationship last forever?
I guess if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be living alone with my four cats.
[ Happy Chattering ]
They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to the prince.
Richard Miltner was the most boring frog I ever dated.
But sometimes, you just have to get out of the house.
...The masculine and the feminine-- [ Sighs ]
Boy, we lucked out pretty good.
My mother's corns aren't usually this bad,
but lucky for us she wasn't able to walk well enough to come to the show.
It's haunting, don't you think?
What? Uh, the paintings. They're pretty disturbing.
- You think? - If I had a kid,
I definitely wouldn't put one of these up in his bedroom.
Unless I hated him.
My father would have hung stuff like this from my ceilings.
He hated me. You know, my mother hated me too.
She used to tell me I was dying of cancer when I was four.
Yeah. Always sent me into these deep depressions.
Which was what she wanted, because then I wouldn't ask her to make me lunch.
Yeah, she hated when I bugged her for food and stuff.
Hey, uh, would you like a champagne? What?
Uh, a champagne. Would you like one?
Yeah. Absolutely. Okay.
Were you lookin' for me?
No! [ Chuckles ] [ Chuckles ] Okay.
No, I really wasn't looking for anybody.
You mind if I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
In the corner? In the corner? [ Laughs ]
I don't like the middle of rooms. It's--
Just come with me to the corner. Nobody's behind you in the corner.
Just-- Come on.
So, who's that guy you're with? What guy?
Oh, uh, Richard? He's a stand-up comedian.
Yeah, he seems funny. Is he your boyfriend? Richard? No.
No, he's 30 years old, and he lives with his mother.
So what do you think of the paintings?
I love the style, but I think they're immature.
Immature? Mm-hmm.
- What makes you say that? - Look at that one over there.
- Yeah? - What the hell's that supposed to mean?
That? I think that one's supposed to mean that there's a woman...
pulling a severed head out of her ass.
What's the point? What do I learn from it?
[ Chuckles ] Maybe that's it. Maybe there's no point.
You're not supposed to learn anything.
I wonder what the artist looks like.
He must be pretty scary with shit like that coming out of his head.
Maybe he has a highly-developed dark side that you might not be in contact with.
How long did it take you to paint that one?
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, gosh. There you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
You are a doll! Look at this. Thank you. Uh, Richard,
Adam Levy.
Oh, wow! Wow, you're the artist.
Wow, you're the lucky guy. Oh, yeah, we were just getting around...
to discussing our future children.
Right, but I don't think you're gonna have a future together.
I'm sorry. Excuse me? In order to have a future,
I would assume you would see the person again.
You're not going to be seeing her anymore, 'cause she's my girlfriend now.
- What? - What?
From the moment we laid eyes on each other, we had this immediate spark.
Isn't that right, uh-- Kate! Kate.
Isn't that right, Kate? No, actually.
Oh, I-- Oh. Is this some kind of joke, or--
No, no, but this is-- Two guys walk into a bar.
One guy is a 30-year old stand-up comedian who lives with his mother.
Okay. Could we, uh, go now, please?
Um, uh--
You know, it is women like you who turn men into weirdos.
Richard-- No, no, don't bother.
Once I've been hurt, there's no turning back.
Wow, that wasn't cool. I made it weird.
[ Kate ] It was mean. You shouldn't have done that. [ Adam ] I know, I know.
So, where should we eat?
You are without a doubt the tallest woman I've ever met in my life.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Could I see your hands? I've been noticing them.
You just have these long E.T. fingers.
Like a tree frog.
[ Laughs ] Oh, my God! Oh, my-- How big?
Size 11. Yeah, size 11. Size 11?
Woman's size 11? Is this some artist thing? Focusing on people's flaws?
I don't see them as flaws. I see them as God's little artistic choices.
So I guess God decided to give you this abnormally large head.
You know what's different about that?
You're being shitty and mean, and I was celebrating your body.
Who you are as a person. Yeah, I was. You were celebrating my body.
You know, I like this part of the relationship, normally.
And what part is that? When it's new, you know. You ask all the fun questions.
Mm, right. Me first.
Okay. What's your relationship like with your dad?
Um, my dad's dead.
He was hit by a car in front of me when I was six.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I don't--
Just kidding. We get along great.
Any brothers and sisters? It's my turn.
No, I've taken your turn away. Any brothers or sisters?
I have three older brothers. How many women have you slept with?
Excuse me? Oh, come on.
It's not like you haven't counted them. How many?
- How many men have you slept with? - Not that many. Thirteen.
Thirteen? Mm-hmm.
As, like, 13 different guys? Yeah.
Spread out over the years, that's not so many.
Aren't you gonna answer the question?
Two. Okay?
Two? That's it?
That's it. Some of us actually believe in having full relationships.
I know that might be hard-- Hey, I believe in relationships.
Mine just happened to be short ones.
[ Chuckles ] [ Sighs ] I'm sorry, I can't-- You're like a whore.
[ Laughs ]
Excuse me? You are.
Thirteen. Jesus Christ. Give me a break.
So, were you popular in high school? What do you think?
[ Laughs ] I guess that's a "no."
I don't need this shit. I really don't. I happened to have been very popular.
I was an artist. I used to draw all the pretty girls.
I used to make them look better than they did, and they loved me.
No, they didn't sleep with me, but they did, they loved me.
How about you? You were probably real popular, with that attitude.
You must have been like the girls from Carrie.
Nope. No. I had huge buck teeth,
and bony knees, and I slouched 'cause I was trying to hide the fact...
that I hadn't grown any boobs yet.
My hair was all stringy, and everybody called me "Horse Face."
Horse Face? Yeah, it suits you.
Oh, you think so? No, I like it. Yeah.
You like it. Yeah. What's the longest kiss you've ever had?
The longest kiss? You know what? Don't tell me. It'll make me jealous.
Just make sure this one's longer, okay?
[ Kate ] Adam was unlike any guy I'd ever known.
We were instant best friends.
Two people who understood each other without having to say a word.
It wasn't like that at all in my first relationship.
It was a bad idea to give up my virginity to my high school French teacher.
[ Groans ] If two people...
who want to be a couple of them,
it is good when they are making love with each other...
because if you're nice-- compris? What?
[ Sighs Deeply ] Let's make love. [ Sighs, Gulps ]
We will, Mr. Bossard, I promise.
I don't think I can tonight, though.
I'm not really ready yet.
You are not ready because you feel you and I...
do not have the quality of life together with each other.
[ Clicks Tongue ] I am sad for this. What?
[ Sighs Deeply ] Let's make love, Cherie, please. I am waiting for so long.
[ Gasps ] Will it hurt? Do not be scary.
I am there for you needing me.
What? [ Sighs ]
[ Gasps, Holds Breath ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Grunts, Pants ]
[ Kate ] Mr. Bossard? [ Bossard ] Eh?
Are you... doing it? Oui.
I can't believe it! [ Yawns, Snorts ]
This was supposed to hurt!
Maybe it's because I've ridden horses all my life.
Are you... smaller than most guys? [ Groans ]
♪
[ Kate ] My older man/daddy phase continued on past high school...
and right into college.
I was not a very evolved person by the time I ran into Eric.
[ Crashing Metal ] ♪ Hey, now I'm really draggin' ♪
♪ [ Fades ]
Are you okay? Are you blind? Are you out of your mind?
What is wrong with you? This is a brand-new car! [ Sobbing, Indistinct ]
Oh, my God! You could have fucking killed me!
What are you doing? Hey, hey, hey. Okay. Shh. I said I'm sorry.
This is Armani! A $500 shirt. I didn't see you.
- You didn't see me? - I didn't see you.
Were you painting your fucking toenails? Hey! Listen, fuck face!
I didn't see you, okay? I didn't wake up this morning and go,
"Oh, geez, today's the day I want to crash into some fucking uptight yuppie."
- All right? - You know what, lady? Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you. Oh, yeah? Fuck you!
- Hey! - Oh, shit! Fuck!
Fuck, all right? There! You gonna see that?
[ Both Shouting Simultaneously ]
Okay, break it up. Break it up.
[ Babbling, Indistinct ] Shut up! Hands behind your--
Hands behind your back. Hit him! Hit him! [ Screaming Simultaneously ]
[ Woman On Police Radio ] I think we got off on the wrong foot.
The wrong foot? You just beat the shit out of my car.
[ Chuckles ] I'm sorry about that.
Let's just-- Maybe we can start over again, all right?
You got any plans for dinner tonight? After we make bail.
So, this is where writers hang out, huh? Mm-hmm.
What do you write about?
I'm working on a novel between my journalism classes at U.C.L.A.
Ooh. Novel, huh? Mm-hmm.
- What's it about? - Death.
Hmm. That sounds interesting.
So, what do you do?
I work a lot with Big Red Ass Monkeys.
It's a band, you know?
You know the band? ♪ [ Imitates Guitar ]
♪ Big Red Ass Monkeys are here ♪ I direct music videos.
Is that the one where the naked girl swims with a chimp?
Ape. Great ape. Right.
I guess chimps don't have those big, red asses.
I don't know. I never checked. [ Chuckling ]
You think maybe... I could kiss you?
- Maybe later. - Maybe later when?
Maybe later, like in five seconds.
Five, four, three, two--
♪ Lookin' over my weak side shoulder ♪ [ Groans ]
♪ Makes me sit all night envision playin' hard to forget ♪
♪ Dominatin' the party conversation ♪
♪ But never sayin' nothin' that she'll regret ♪
[ Groaning, Screaming ] ♪ No bloomin' Daisy is this woman's kind of crazy ♪
[ Cries Continue ] ♪ No sense of motion
♪ From bells to beehive
♪ I love to kiss her
♪ All highest her [ Man Groaning ]
♪ Till my tongue is tied
♪ Yes, you're retro-sexy
♪ [ Fades ]
[ Clicks Cheek ]
Ah, I hate when that happens.
A toast. To our three-week anniversary.
[ Chuckles ]
You know, I think this is the longest relationship I've ever been in.
Well, not counting Mr. Bossard, which lasted one semester.
-Oh, God, did I ever tell you-- -Can we not talk about your high school French teacher?
- It really disturbs me. - Okay.
- Good. - So, what about your last relationship?
Oh, God. What about it?
How long was it, again? Five miserable years.
- What did you have in common? - Mm, nothing.
- What do we have in common? - We have a lot in common.
Like what?
Like...
how many people do you know who can comfortably have sex in public places?
Every guy I've ever met.
Morning. You know what day today is, don't you?
What? Sunday morning.
My turn.
I thought it was my turn.
Nope. It's my turn.
You know what? This game's idiotic.
It's not spontaneous if it's scheduled. That's not true.
See, scheduled spontaneity is the key to long-term love.
[ Both Chuckling ]
Ahh!
Don't look so happy. [ Laughing ]
I like Sundays.
Now, careful, careful. [ Grunting ]
Ohh, yeah.
Ohh, y-- [ Groans ] [ Doorbell Ringing ]
Uh, I'm not getting that. They can wait. Come on.
You get it or you're not gettin' it. I can't get it.
All right.
[ Imitating Schwarzenegger ] I'll be back.
[ Doorbell Continues Ringing ]
Just don't lose your concentration, okay? [ Kate Chuckles ]
Oh, where are you going, huh? [ Laughing ]
Oh, now you want some, don't you? [ Growling ]
Just hold that thought, okay? Daddy!
- Daddy, guess what? I got a kitty and I named him-- - We're gonna go.
Come on, sweet. Come with mommy. It's not what it looks like.
- Mel, will you wait? Mel? - [ Daughter Crying ]
Kate. Kate! I can expla-- Kate!
Will you come back? I'm trying to tell you-- [ Sobbing ]
Will you stop? Will you stop? What are you?
I understand how you feel, okay? No, no.
No, you don't. You have no idea how anyone feels. You're a sociopath.
Look, I'm planning on getting a divorce! Don't ever touch me.
Kate! Daddy!
[ Crying ] [ Kate ] Even when bad relationships end,
the pain can be severe enough to screw you up for years.
We all pick up a little baggage after every breakup.
The hope is that when the bags start to accumulate,
we're still able to drag them into the next relationship.
Fortunately, when Adam and I moved in together,
my carry-on baggage was fairly light.
[ Door Opening ]
I was going to put Paul's Entrails in the bedroom. That's better for the bathroom.
If you want to be obvious. Okay. Whatever you want.
[ Laughs ]
I love you, horse face. I love you, too.
I love you. I mean, I love you more than I've ever loved anybody...
ever... in my life.
Where are you goin'? Kate?
Oh, God. Okay. Say it.
Why do you want me to say it again? Because it was cute,
and I want that cute moment saved forever.
Honey, I-- It's not gonna sound cute. It's gonna sound forced.
And I'm irritated, so could we just-- Just say it.
- I love you. - [ Laughs ]
- "Horse face." - I love you, horse face.
I love you too. Now strip.
Strip? Strip.
Put the-- Put the toy away, and we'll-- Go on.
Don't poke the bear in the zoo. Come on.
Don't poke the bear in the zoo. Take it off. Come on!
Don't poke the bear in the zoo. Whip it out.
♪ Do it now, ha
♪ Yea, hey
- ♪ Hey, once I was a boogie singer ♪ - [ No Audible Dialogue ]
♪ Playin' in a rock 'n' roll band ♪
♪ I never had no problems, yeah ♪
♪ Burnin' down the one-night stands ♪
♪ When everything around me, yeah ♪
♪ Got to stop from feelin' so low ♪
♪ Then I decided quickly Yes, I did ♪
♪ To disco down and check out the show ♪
♪ Yeah, they were dancin' and singin' and movin' to the groovin' ♪
♪ [ Fades ]
When you finally get to share your lonely bed with the one you love,
life just doesn't get any better.
Oh, God. Ow, baby. [ Chuckling ] That was not me!
Stop. Stop it. Come on.
That was you. That's the first time you ever--
That was your first fart. Come here, baby.
That was your first fart. You do love me.
[ Laughing ] Don't blame it on me.
That's so cute. You're embarrassed.
Come here. Come here. No woman has ever farted in front of me before.
[ Man ] ♪ Under the light of the moon
♪ Mother Earth
♪ Will fall asleep so soon
♪ Dream of many a thing
♪ Before she'll slowly wake up ♪
♪ And then
♪ We're all touring for the morning train ♪
♪ 'Cause the alarm clock overslept again ♪
♪ And when the day is done the battle's won ♪
♪ But she'll never know
♪ What's goin' on
♪ Get up, stay down
♪ Get pushed around
[ Door Creaking, Closing ]
Hi. [ Weakly ] Hi.
- Hi. - What?
- Why are you smiling at me like that?
Because it's our one-year anniversary. You should be smiling too.
[ Sighs ]
- Well, I guess so. - Come here.
Come on!
No, come here.
Come on. Are you a grouchy little bunny? Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I'm going to be taking you to someplace very special today.
Where? Well, it's a surprise.
Now, go fill me a tub, and I'll take you.
Now? In the middle of the day? I'm feeling very, very dirty.
I need a tub. Forget it.
It's our annivers-- Could you just fill me a tub?
Come on, you big grouch. Just go.
My God, it's like pulling teeth with you to get anything.
- [ Meowing ] - Oh, my God!
Are you insane? What are we going to do with all these kitties?
I don't know. We'll make stew, I figured.
[ Chuckles ] What are they doing in there?
What are they do-- They like you, obviously.
This one's Louie, this one's Murray.
- This one's Steve and this one is Mordecai. - [ Purring ]
I got 'em from the Chinese restaurant.
[ High-Pitched Voice ] Hi, Mommy. Hello.
Aren't I cute? Hi!
You're my new mommy now.
[ Normal Voice ] Bet the other 13 guys you slept with didn't get you a litter...
of cute little kitties like this, did they?
I'm pregnant.
You're-- Really?
I took the little stick test this morning, and it turned pink.
Pink? Is it-- Isn't it supposed to be like a plus sign?
Believe it or not, Adam, I know how to pee on a stick and read directions.
- I thought we were being safe. - Yeah, I guess not safe enough.
God, we hardly know each other.
Oh, we know each other.
I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, Adam. I'm too confused.
Too immature. Too messy.
Well, what about abortion? Did you ever think about that...
possibility?
[ Weeping ] I-- I just--
I never thought this would happen to me.
- I don't know what to do. - Okay, baby. Here. Come here.
Shh, shh. Don't worry, okay?
A lot of people would think this is the world's greatest anniversary present.
Really? What do you think?
I tell you what I think. I think that our baby would be...
the cutest little thing that ever walked around in poo-poo pants.
[ Chuckles ] You wouldn't be scared?
Of what? Of doing the most natural thing in the world?
Of bringing a gorgeous little brilliant little genius into the world? No.
No, I won't be scared at all.
What if it wasn't a gorgeous genius? What if it was an ugly little troll?
Well, I guess we just have to pray to God...
that the baby takes after me.
[ Chuckling ]
We could name it Ned, right? After my grandfather?
What if it's a little girl? "Ned-ina," we'd call it.
[ Sniffing ] Now this one needs to be changed.
I want you to practice and show me what a good mama you're going to be.
God, my stomach is huge. [ Adam Grunts ]
I look like Buddha. It hasn't changed. You're the same as you've always been.
So I've always had a Buddha gut?
Will you calm down? You've been pregnant a month.
The baby's the size of a sea monkey.
Pretty soon you'll look like you swallowed a Volkswagen.
Yeah, well, you have an abnormally large head.
Come on, horse face. Get over here.
[ Patting Pillow ] Come on.
Let's see what we got here.
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.
Ned says he wants a womb with a view.
Ned's not very funny.
Ned's just a fetus. We should cut Ned a little slack.
And I think you're more beautiful than ever.
[ Man ] ♪ Forget what you don't have
Kate? ♪ Forget that you don't
Kate?
♪ Just forget it
Kate?
♪ Forget that you're afraid Kate?
[ Kate Weeping ] ♪ Forget that you are
Kate? [ Knocking ]
You okay, baby? ♪ In a panic
You okay? ♪ Forget that you're alone
What's wrong, baby? What's wrong? ♪ Everyone's alone
Uh, uh-- [ Sobbing ]
I'm bleeding. Oh, God.
No, no, something's wrong. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Something's wrong. Okay, okay, okay. We're gonna look at it.
♪ [ Continues ] We're gonna go. Where's your robe, baby?
Where's your robe? I don't know.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
♪ Don't worry It's all right ♪
♪ We're all in the dark lookin' for the light ♪
♪ The light
♪ Don't worry
♪ Forget that you can love
♪ Forget that you can
♪ Just forget it
[ Kate ] You think it's possible to love the same person forever?
[ Adam ] Sure. Don't you?
I don't know. I haven't seen a relationship that didn't end in one way or another.
What about your parents? They've been together 35 years.
Yeah, they've lived in the same house for that long.
I don't think they've said "I love you" for at least 20 of those years.
Maybe that's human nature. You spend that much time around a person,
saying "I love you" is probably just like saying,
you know, "cheese sandwich."
God, I hope not.
Katie? Hmm?
I cheese sandwich you.
I cheese sandwich you, too.
[ Both Chuckling ]
[ Kate ] The longer you're with the same person, the more annoying they'll become.
You'll become annoying too; so if you want everything to be perfect all the time,
don't bother having a relationship.
Did you see that little old lady? Yeah.
Didn't she look sad and lonely? Nah, she was hunched over.
I didn't get a good look. I need some shoes.
Her eyes were so hollow.
She's old. All old people have hollow eyes. Especially old women.
What? Could we go in here?
Wait. What do you mean, "especially old women"?
It's a fact. Women don't age as well as men. How could you say that?
How many 50-year old women do you see with 20-year old guys?
That's a double standard. That's got nothing to do with facts.
Who looks better, Sean Connery or Shelley Winters?
[ Groaning ] Oh!
It's just nature. Men have thicker skin. That's why women wrinkle more.
Shut up! I know what this is about.
You're a woman. You're afraid of becoming obsolete.
You're getting to an age where men are starting to notice younger girls.
It's freaking you out.
Yeah? Well, you're going bald.
I have the keys! Where are you going?
I got one. What do you have?
Just this one about topless female ninjas.
Oh. Well, let's just get one, okay? 'Cause we'll forget to return them,
and it'll be like $800 for two movies.
And, uh, which one do yowant to get?
Nosferatu. You've seen it 50 times and every time you get depressed.
I like being depressed. It makes me feel deep and introspective.
You wanna just hear what this is about? Maybe you might like it.
"Nasty, naked ninjettes infiltrate the mob and take over Little Italy...
'nunchaking' their way to mafia don Guido Mantucci."
Wow, that sounds incredible. Why do you have to come from that place?
You think I want to go home and snuggle and read subtitles...
as the guy sucks blood out of somebody's neck.
Can't we ever go to a goddamn video store without getting into an argument?
Not as long as you have such shitty taste in movies. I don't have shitty taste.
How can you not appreciate German expressionism? I love German expressionism.
What I don't like is what you turn into when you watch that damn movie.
You start getting all fixated on death, like, "I'm gonna die,"
you're gonna die, the cat's gonna die." Fuck. Fine, fine.
You watch your stupid titty movie, I'll watch my death movie.
You return yours. I'll return mine. Fine.
It's her birthday. One of these should be free.
[ Kate ] Romance. The most important part of keeping a good relationship going.
Be sure to treasure each one of those intimate moments you share together in bed.
We haven't had sex in a while. Hmm?
We haven't had sex in, like, three weeks. Mm-hmm.
You not even listening to me.
No, I wasn't. I said we haven't had sex in, like, three weeks.
Well, maybe it's because you clip your toenails in our bed.
What's the real reason?
I don't know.
Do you want to have sex right now?
No. No, do you?
Nah.
Is there something wrong with us? I don't know.
Maybe we should force ourselves.
What, like mutual rape?
Yeah, it might turn us on. Hmm.
I'm tired. Yeah, me too.
[ Sighs ]
[ Mumbling ] Love you. Love you too.
[ Slurping ]
Don't do that. You know how much that bugs me.
[ Slurping ]
I said, don't!
[ Continues Slurping ]
Swear to God, if you do that one more time, I-I'm gonna scream.
[ Slurping ]
[ Kate Screaming ]
[ Adam ] I think it's over.
[ Kate ] What's over?
[ Adam ] Us. I think we're done.
[ Kate ] Wh-What are you saying?
[ Adam ] I think I need to break up.
What did you just say? I said I think we should break up.
No, no, no, no, no. No. You said you need to break up.
I mean, saying we should break up, that implies that it's somewhat mutual.
If yoneed to break up, that means you're ending it.
Are you ending it? I don't know. Yeah. I guess so.
Have you met someone else? Some art groupie?
No, no!
No, nothing like that. It's just I feel like...
we're just turning into this old married couple.
Oh, God. It's the 13 guy thing, isn't it?
No! Just shut up. No, no, that's what it is!
No, you've been obsessed with my past since our first date.
Now you want to start racking 'em up, don't you? Could you shut up?
It's not the 13 guys, okay? I'm over that. I dealt with that.
It's a non-issue, I promise you.
Well, then, why? Why now?
I don't know. I've never been single.
You know? I've spent my whole life going from one relationship to another,
and, uh, never been alone.
Do you realize what you're saying?
Do you realize what this means? Wh-What does this mean?
It means, this is it. The end.
And once it's over, it's over.
Yeah, I guess so, but--
But I mean, it's not like we won't still be friends.
You know? Who said anything about being friends?
Come on, we love each other. I don't want to lose you from my life.
I think you should know that when you get to number 13,
I won't be sitting here waiting for you, okay? Will you give that up?
It's not about that, okay? This thing isn't working for either of us.
- You're not happy, are you? - No, I'm not happy.
So neither of us are happy. You know what? You're right. I'm miserable.
I've been in absolute fucking hell for a long time now. Will you stop?
- You're packing my laundry now. - Breaking up would be the best thing in the world for me.
You know what? [ Chuckles ]
I feel good! No. I feel great.
- Come back to bed. - It's like a five million pound weight has been lifted.
[ Sighs ] Can't this wait? I can breathe.
I-I can think. Like, all of a sudden, life is clear.
It's amazing! I am so happy!
[ Kate ] When I look back at the love I had with Adam,
I see a pathetic, potted plant that nobody bothered to water.
It started out green and lush, and eventually became a dried-up little brown stick.
- [ Video Button Clicking ] - [ Weeping Helplessly ]
♪ [ Theater Organ ]
Breaking up is like dying.
Slowly, with nobody around.
That's why it's so important during that dark period...
to keep yourself busy doing the things that don't depress you.
♪ [ Organ Continues ]
♪ [ Suspenseful Chords ]
Fuck me! Jesus Chr--
Kate. I can't believe it!
Our relationship hasn't even started decomposing yet.
Who's this? This is my friend, uh, Kate.
Kate, this is my friend... Peaches.
[ Scoffs ] This must be the friend that you just broke up with.
[ Imitating Peaches ] "This must be the friend that you just started fucking."
Yeah.
♪ [ Dramatic Chords ] [ Adam ] Hey, Kate!
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, okay? "Peaches"? Oh, my God.
What the fuck is that thing on your face?
Will you just keep your voice down? What are you doing here?
This is my movie. You came to my favorite movie...
to make out with someone called Peaches-- How dare you?
I want to call you. Can I call you? No! No. No.
I'm gonna get over you. And when I do, I'll call you.
Honey, that could take days!
- [ Theater Door Slamming ] - Okay, let's see here.
No, no. Ooh. That's hideous.
Let's see-- Oh! Here you go.
Kate. How about this? No.
That makes me look like a drug-addicted hooker.
I want to look great. Like a drug-addicted model.
I don't see what the big deal is. It's only Sam's birthday party.
Adam's gonna be there.
Oh, Kate. Aren't you over him yet? Of course I am.
I just want him to die a thousand deaths...
when he sees me with Jerome Davis tonight.
Jerome Davis? Wait a minute.
The perverted basketball player you dated who was obsessed with your ass?
He was?
Kate, you've got a great ass. Now, you a big woman,
but your ass, now, is small and compact to fit your size.
And yet, if we would take your ass and put it on your short little friend over here,
ah, it'd be fucking huge.
[ Chuckles ] That's it, I'm gone.
Oh, God.
♪ [ Rock ]
♪ She comes to me
♪ With her mind
♪ On her sleeve
♪ He tries to plead
♪ With his heart
♪ That don't beat
♪ Don't bring me down if you're ready for love ♪
♪ Don't you know that we can save this life ♪
♪ No one best yet to rock you to sleep ♪
♪ I'll meet you there when you sigh my name ♪
♪
♪ Rock you to sleep
Hey! [ Gasps ]
- I thought it was you. Hey. - Hey!
- Hi. - Great. I didn't expect to see you here.
I didn't even know that Sam invited you. I feel silly.
Uh, no. Mary invited me.
Mary. 'Cause you know Mary, of course.
I don't know what I was thinking. That's great. That's so good--
It's nice to see ya. Right.
It's good, yeah. Uh, I haven't seen you in a while. I've missed you.
Uh, yeah. It's been a long time, huh?
Yup. Yup, yup.
I'm sorry. Hi, I'm Adam. Oh, uh-- Sorry.
Ad? Jerome.
It's not "Ad," it's Adam. I didn't say, "Whazzup, Jer?"
Hey! Hey. Hey. Why don't I, uh, give you a call tomorrow?
Don't make this a weird thing. Hey.
I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Give me a call tomorrow.
You can tell me all about your new girlfriend. Or page me,
'cause my shit's blowing up now, 'cause I got-- Oh, okay. Okay.
Yeah. Why don't you call me? Okay, I will.
Just call me up. I'm running around a lot-- I'll call you tomorrow.
Star 82 so I know it's you, 'cause I'm screening-- You know.
Okay. I'll get it.
[ Smooching ]
Hey! Hey.
[ Embarrassed Chuckling ]
That was really weird last night. I know.
That's not cool. Okay? No.
So you're in love? I think I should be asking you that question.
Why? Because you couldn't keep your tongue out of Lolita's mouth last night.
Don't tell me about tongues. Michael Jordan was gonna suck the tonsils out of your throat.
Where did you find that guy, anyway?
Let's just not get into one of these things, okay?
You're the one that's bringing it up. I'm ready to be mature.
Me too. I can do it. Absolutely. Okay?
But how could you go out with that freak of nature?
- How could you go out with such a bimbo? - Savannah is not a bimbo.
She happens to play the harp. [ Laughs ] Oh, uh, excuse me.
A bimbo savant. At least I'm not having...
a fucking hot tub party with Dennis Rodman.
I can't believe you're jealous. I'm not jealous. Don't--
You are! Stop, okay? I don't like her.
I don't love her. I'm probably not going to see that girl again.
Adam! Adam. Hey.
- Hi! - Hi, I was waiting for you across the street.
Coffee shop. It's uh, noon. Right? We're supposed to be--
Well, my heart wasn't in it early, so, um,
I bought myself some new underwear. [ Chuckles ] O-Kay.
- I'm Savannah. - Kate.
- I know. Adam told me all about you last night. - Really?
Um, Savannah, why don't you go back to the coffee shop and wait for me?
I'll be there at noon. And get me a mochaccino. Oh. No problem.
No problem. I'll let you two catch up. Nice meeting you, Cynthia.
- It's Kate. - Oh. I meant Kate.
Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.
[ Heavy Breathing, Smooching ]
Mm, okay. Okay.
Bye-bye. Noon. Bye-bye.
That didn't feel good. That felt really bad.
- I know. I'm sorry. - No, no. Don't be.
I mean, it's the kind of thing we have to get used to.
I have to go and throw up now. Don't, uh, Kate.
I miss you so much. All right? Y-You're my best friend.
You're the only one I feel normal around. I know, I know, I know, I know.
Hopefully, over time, we'll still-- This is all gonna work out.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I promise it will.
We just have to let go of those old, you know, feelings we had.
Right. Okay?
So, this Jerome guy. Did he have, like-- Was he just, like, huge?
I just wanted to know, like as a friend. Is that bad for a friend?
Was it like, "Oh, a nice surprise" big?
Or was it like, "You better just take me home now" big?
[ Both Laughing ]
Was it like, "I'm in over my head" big?
[ Kate ] As you move on in your search for love,
sex is the fastest way to erase the past.
Promise you'll never leave me. I promise.
What are you doing?
[ Groans ]
Great. My only sex I've had in months, and it's with you.
[ Meows ]
[ Bell Rings ] [ Kate ] Being single again may be difficult,
but it can also be empowering.
After my breakup, I got out of the house as often as I could,
going to places that took my mind off my loneliness.
[ Clears Throat ] Excuse me.
I'm looking for sort of a-- a joke gift for a friend of mine's birthday.
What's the kinkiest stuff you have?
Depends. You mean, kinky up-the-butt kind of kinky,
or just white-bread kinky?
Just white-bread kinky, please.
Dildo aisle. Thank you.
Uh, it's a butt plug.
Some guys like to... put it up their butts. [ Chuckles ]
- Great, thanks. - [ Clattering ]
[ Chuckling Softly ]
So, um, what's a nice girl like you doing at Earl's Pornorama?
I'm here, uh, to buy a joke gift for a friend.
Okay? I'm not here to talk to, uh, guys in trench coats.
Why are you so nervous?
Are you attracted to me?
Oh, God. That is so arrogant.
I-I just happen to be a little uncomfortable,
because I'm picking up plastic dicks with some guy--
Wait a minute. Don't I know you?
Could be. Oh, God!
[ Chuckling ] Aren't you that guy, uh--
Aren't you in movies with, like, topless ninja girls?
Yeah. Yeah, I've done a lot since then. That was some of my earlier stuff.
I'm, uh, I'm-- [ Chuckling ] Ooh.
[ Chuckling ] I'm Joey Santino.
I know. My ex-boyfriend forced me to watch all your movies.
Forced you to? Yeah, well, he loves you.
Yeah? Yes. [ Chuckles ]
Well, not after we fall in love, he won't.
Oh, no. I don't date actors.
♪ [ Rock ]
♪ All over you All over me ♪
♪ The sun, the fields the sky ♪
♪ I've often tried to hold the sea ♪
♪ The sun, the fields the tide ♪
♪ Baby now
♪ Lay me down
♪ Baby now, baby now
♪ Lay me down, lay me down
[ Kate ] Joey wasn't very bright,
but I loved his innocence.
I was going through my nonjudgmental phase,
and I didn't want to push people away for saying the occasional stupid thing.
I love you. [ Chuckling ] We've only known each other for 14 hours.
I know. I loved you in the first hour,
but I waited 13 more to tell you.
No, you just think you're in love with me, because we've been having sex nonstop.
How can you be so cynical?
I've never felt this way in my entire life.
You're the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me.
You see, this is why I don't date actors.
And you don't have to say you love me back.
I just want you to know how I feel.
That's all. Okay.
Unless you want to. I mean, I won't stop you from saying...
that you love me if you want to.
Okay.
I like you a lot, though.
Yeah?
Okay. [ Chuckling ]
[ Phone Rings ]
- Hello. - Hey, it's me.
Oh, hey, Adam. What's up?
Nothin' much. Haven't seen you in a couple weeks.
Wanna grab some dinner tomorrow night?
Oh, that's so sweet, but I can't. I'm going out.
Oh. What about Friday? Wanna see a movie on Friday?
No, I can't. I'm going to Malibu for the weekend.
Malibu. What's in Malibu?
A big beach. Oh, yes, I saw that in the Thomas Guide once.
Who ya goin' with? Just some guy. You don't know him.
He's got a house out there. Oh, you like him?
What's with all the questions?
No reason. I just wanna know if you like this rich Malibu guy.
Yeah, I like him.
Do you like him a lot?
Yeah, he's nice.
Hello? Do you love him?
I think so, yeah.
I mean, we've been spending almost every day together for the last couple weeks.
That's great. That's great for you. You know what? I gotta run.
'Cause I got a date with-- with an actress, you know.
I'll call you when I get back. We'll have lunch or something.
- Sure. Great. - [ Phone Beeps ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
I can't take it. I can't-- What?
I can't-- I cannot-- I can't take it.
I can't-- I can't take it. I can't. Just get in here.
I just-- I thought-- You know, I thought I was over you.
I thought I was done. I thought-- Oh, God, this is horrible!
Horrible. Oh, God. [ Stammering ] Don't go to Malibu.
Please, don't go to Malibu. Are you out of your mind? This is a joke, right?
This is not a joke.
This is-- This is not. What's wrong with you?
You've been dating women nonstop since we broke up,
and this is the first guy I've even gotten close to.
I know. I was wrong. What can I say? I was wrong.
I was silly. I was stupid. I was wrong.
I didn't know how I felt about you until right now.
- What happened to the date with the actress? - It's canceled. It's over.
God, you shouldn't have because Joey's on his way.
Joey? His name is Joey.
You're-- How could you date a guy named Joey?
Please, don't date him anymore. Let's get back together again.
I love you. Let's have babies.
Would you stop acting like an insane person?
Why don't you go home and relax or something? I love you.
- It's just some weird thing you're going through. - Could you tell me one thing?
- What? - What's his last name?
Just-- What-- Just tell me his last name.
Um, Santino.
Oh, Santino. That's per-- That's like-- Joey?
Not Joey Santino. The actor?
My-- The titty ninja-- You fucking hate him!
Actually, he's really a very good actor.
I mean, clearly you haven't seen any of his later work.
What the fuck are you talking about? His later work.
Motherfucker! You haven't seen-- Oh, my God!
You're kidding me. How could you-- He's--
You-- How do you-- Adam, you have to go.
You weren't supposed to fall in love.
Oh, quit being such a hypocrite. A hyp-- I'm not a--
I'm a guy. I fuck. I don't fall in love.
Well, maybe you don't. Oh, you think Mr. Italian,
uh, fuckin', uh, yeah, he loves you?
I don't think so. Whatever.
You know what? I'm fuckin' outta here.
Fuckin' horseshit. [ Door Opens ]
Don't fucking call! [ Door Closes ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Ring ]
♪ [ Bongo Drums ]
Are you Miss Kate Wells? Yeah.
I have a message for you from Adam Levy.
- ♪ [ Bongo Drums ] - ♪ Even though we're only pals ♪
♪ Only pals Only pals ♪
♪ I don't like the other gals You're my baby ♪
♪ Don't go out with that dumb guy ♪
♪ That dumb guy That dumb guy ♪
♪ If you do I'll start to cry You're my baby ♪
- Yeah! - [ Chuckles ]
Now, Mr. Levy would like you to have...
an autographed picture of himself. [ Chuckles ]
And this. Hold on. It gets better.
Cheese sandwich. Thank you.
♪ [ Humming ]
[ Kiss ]
♪ [ Humming ]
[ Phone Rings ]
Hello. Did the little guy sing?
- What do you think? - You got my picture up?
Adam. Next to the boys?
Yes, I got the sandwich, and I got your picture.
Can you just stop torturing me? Come over.
Get rid of him. We'll sport, we'll spoon, we'll do it all.
We'll lay around like walruses all day.
- Adam? - What are you wearing?
Oh!
God, it's beautiful here.
Are you talkin' to me?
There's nobody else here. Are you talkin' to me?
Who the fuck do you think you're talkin' to?
Huh? De Niro!
Right. De Niro. He's the best.
I swear I love him. He's... De Niro.
Yeah, I'm-- He's a good actor.
[ Laughs ] Goo-- Good?
Are you-- Good?
I mean, we're talkin' about Robert De Niro here.
"Good." [ Laughs ] I mean, come on.
He's a-- He's a--
Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, they're good.
Asparagus is good. De Niro-- [ Laughs ]
I mean, like, Cape Fear.
[ Imitating Robert De Niro ] Oh, counselor.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
See, I ain't no white trash piece of shit. I'm better than you all.
See, I can outlearn you. I can outread you.
I can outthink you, and I can out-philosophize you,
and I'm gonna outlast you.
[ Chuckles ] Huh? That's good. Right?
And-- And Raging Bull, which-- which is the greatest performance of all time.
- [ Gasps, Coughs ] - Don't get me down, Ryan.
Don't get me down. Hey.
You all right? Huh? I know the Heimlich. [ Coughing ]
Why you tryin' to ruin my relationship? Your nose is so cute.
You never tried to get me back before.
What ego trip are you on? Can I kiss it?
What? Your nose.
Adam, stop screwing up my life! I'm involved with somebody else!
Marry me? Please. Are you listening to me?
Yeah, I'm lis-- I get it. Don't worry.
I broke up with you because I was inexperienced.
You were the third relationship I was in.
How was I supposed to know that that was going to be the one? Adam.
I was number fourteen for you. You were number three for me.
You can't-- Marry me. I'm sorry.
I screwed up, all right? I can't live with this kind of mistake in my life.
Don't you see? This is really bad timing.
You can't just wait until I'm heavily involved with somebody else...
to all of a sudden propose marriage or profess your love to me.
I'll change. How does that sound? We're gonna make up a contract.
Everything you don't like about me, I'm gonna change.
We're gonna make-- Death penalty.
You're against it. I'm for it. I'm against it now.
We're gonna sing "Kumbaya." We're gonna do candlelight vigils at the prison.
I don't want you to change. You're right. I'm not gonna change.
I'm enough, and I learned that from you. You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna fly. We're gonna take trips. I'm gonna go to therapy.
Get over my fear of airplanes and go anyplace you wanna go.
Adam, stop it. Stop it right now.
All right. Well, let me just ask you, then.
Just straight out. All kidding aside.
Katie... will you marry me?
No.
Well, um, well,
I won't torture you anymore, then.
I, uh, you know, you're happy.
I'm happy you're happy.
I made you miserable, and I'm sorry. No.
No, but I just want you to know something.
- What? - I-I can't be friends.
I'm just-- I'm too weak.
Adam. I mean, I can't even be around you.
You're sitting here like this incredibly juicy ham sandwich...
that I just wanna stuff in my mouth and I can't...
because, like, my lips are sewn shut.
- That's a pretty analogy. - You know what I mean.
Have a nice life.
Don't say that. You know we'll see each other again.
Yeah, right.
[ Kate ] Is infatuation love?
No, but it feels like it is.
All those chemicals pumping through your brain...
can turn every word he says into poetry.
Did I ever tell you what I used to do to my little brother with dog shit?
Uh-uh. Whenever he did something I didn't like,
I'd put dog shit under his pillow.
And I'd say, "Hey, Jimmy. Let's play hide-and-seek.
Go put your head under the pillow and count to 20." Mm.
Half the time, he'd get to ten before he realized what happened.
Wow. Sounds pretty stupid.
Jimmy? No. No. He's the smartest one of us kids.
He's a lawyer now.
Mm.
[ Grunting ] Now do you remember me?
Hmm?
[ Kate ] Relationships that are based entirely on sex...
end the minute the sex gets boring.
So, if you want it to last beyond boring sex,
you'd better try to connect on a deeper level.
I brought us some cheese sandwiches.
Thanks.
Do you think people can stay passionate about each other forever?
Yeah. I mean, as long as they work on the relationship.
You know, don't get fat.
Yeah, I wonder.
I'm not sure it's natural. I'd like to think it's possible, though.
I mean, I think that over time, we all tend to take each other for granted.
And after years of staying together,
saying "I love you" is like saying "cheese sandwich," you know?
Did you know that Robert De Niro is lactose intolerant?
[ Action Movie Playing ] [ Kate ] After the infatuation,
chemicals in my brain stopped multiplying.
I began to get over my nonjudgmental phase.
[ Woman Screams In Movie ]
Joey and I were gonna have a real conversation...
if it was the last thing we did.
I'm gonna die. Yeah.
Are you listening to me? What?
[ Whispering ] I'm gonna die. When?
Someday.
Yeah, well, we're all gonna die, okay?
Watch the movie.
Doesn't that bother you?
I don't think about stuff like that.
Well, why not? [ Man ] Shh!
Kate, look. We're in the middle of a movie.
Yeah, well, that's when I think about death the most.
I look at all these people staring straight into the darkness.
It freaks me out. Don't you get that?
No. Okay? I don't get that. I mean, why should I get that?
I don't even want-- I don't wanna get that. That's the problem.
When two people are together, they're supposed to get each other.
You don't get me. I don't get you.
What? What the fuck are you talking about? [ Sighs ]
You know what my problem is? I'm a floater.
I float through life like a corpse on a river,
bumping into rocks and logs.
I don't choose my path. [ Man ] Hey, shut up!
I just bump into stuff. Like you.
I bump into you in a porno store. Boom, I have sex with you.
Boom! I'm in a relationship with you! Boom, I don't think, just boom!
[ Man ] Shut the fuck up! No, no, no, no. So that's what I am to you?
I'm just some goddamned log you just bumped into at a porno store?
Shh! You're wearing sunglasses in a movie theater.
They're subscription. It's prescription, you idiot!
[ Man ] Shut up! Okay, Mrs. Thesaurus.
All right, I'm an idiot. You know, that's it.
It's ov-- You know, hasta la vista, baby.
[ Joey ] Here's a man who would not take it anymore.
You're all gonna die. Think about it. You're all gonna die.
And nobody will ever remember you because they'll all be dead too!
Excuse me!
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Answering Machine Picks Up ] Hi, this is Adam.
I'm not home, so leave a message after the beep.
[ Beep ] [ Kate ] Hi, um, it's me.
Adam, are you there?
Hello, Kate? Hi.
I-I didn't want to call anybody else.
Oh, God. Are you okay? [ Sobbing ] No.
What's wrong, baby? We broke up.
Oh, God. I broke up with Joey.
Oh, that's horrible.
I'm such a failure. You're not a failure.
I am. I'm a relationship leper.
Not true. You have more relationship potential than anybody that I know.
Fuck potential. Anyone can have potential. Are you kidding?
Katie, your only problem is that you've had bad timing.
Two people could be perfect for each other...
and if the timing's wrong, it's never gonna work out for them.
Bad timing's the reason that most normal people end up single.
Normal people?
Yeah, weirdos and creeps are single because they're weird and creepy.
But people like us, you know, we're single...
because we're victims of bad timing.
When did you have things figured out?
Since you fell in love and I've had to lay in bed awake every night...
and wonder if I'd ever find anybody who I feel as normal with as I do with you.
[ Laughs ] No. Bad timing, Adam.
If the timing's ever right, you just let me know, okay?
Okay.
How about now? You think you're-- [ Laughs ]
Okay, that's cool. Take as much time as you want.
[ Kate ] Love is ecstasy and agony,
freedom and imprisonment,
belonging and loneliness.
It's what keeps us together when life tears us apart.
So, when you find that perfect man,
hold on tight,
and then call me so I can run over there...
and see what he looks like and laugh...
because he doesn't exist, you sad, perky, little optimistic suckers.
[ Tape Recorder Clicks ]
I quit. I couldn't do the assignment.
I felt like a fraud since my first day here.
Everything I've written has been crap.
And I'm-- I'm a total sellout. I can't do it anymore,
and I'm-- I'm-- you know, honestly,
I'm sorry if I've caused you any problems, all right?
Wait a minute. She's way too fat.
Everything you've written here has been bullshit?
Yep. Nothing has had...
- even a single grain of truth in your eyes? - Nothing.
Your research on blow jobs being able to cure depression was completely made up.
No, actually, that one was true,
but it only works for the suckee.
The sucker always stays depressed.
[ Door Closes ] I told you that.
[ Dog Barking In Distance ]
[ Sighs, Sniffs ]
Hi. Hi.
I'm, uh-- no, actually, could I ask you a few questions?
Is that okay? Um, sure. Yeah, go ahead.
Are you married? [ Chuckles ] No.
Do you have any children you haven't told anyone about? No.
Do you feel the need to sow your wild oats...
and have sex with a lot of different women? No.
Are you a liar? Yes.
Oh. Just kidding. [ Chuckles ]
Good. You got a sense of humor.
That was my next question.
Uh, can you listen?
I'm sorry. What?
You see-- you see how I-- I get it.
Just one more. I promise.
Uh, do you have a problem with complicated women?
Nope. Great. Let's go.
Um, may I-- may I ask you one question?
Oh, of course. I'm sorry. Ask anything you want.
Have you allowed Jesus Christ into your heart?
Oh, God! If I could have one moment of your time.
No, get out. May I? May I?
Okay, but if the next knock is the devil-- Go!
Yes. Hi. Oh. Listen. Hi.
Have you allowed-- Hey, go! Now!
Here. Thank you.
Hi. Are you Kate Wells?
Yeah. And you're, um, Rob, right? That's right.
♪ [ Piano ]
[ Chattering ]
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. It's a pleasure.
Thank you.
Hi. Hi. Thanks for coming down.
Yeah, thanks a lot. Thank you.
You're good.
Thank you. Thank you.
And nasty. Right.
I like my men good and nasty.
Thank you.
You got a girlfriend?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
She's on a date now, however.
Yep.
So, where's your blind date?
I told him I was sick. Oh, yeah. You're sick all right.
Yeah, for wanting you back.
[ Woman ] ♪ Go down easy, baby
♪ Go down slow
♪ Take all the time you need ♪
♪ Got no place else to go Wow.
That was incredible. I am very proud of myself.
[ Giggles ]
I did good, right? Did I do good?
Yeah, you did all right. It was different. Mm-hmm.
I surprised you with a couple of those things. I know it.
You seemed scared. Where'd you learn that? It's horrible, you know.
We should break up more often. Mm.
[ Laughs ] We should.
I love you. Me too.
Get out. [ Laughs ]
So with Joey, what is that now, 16?
Oh, shut up. Fifteen? No, seriously.
Fifteen. I was fourteen.
What about Peaches? Tell me about Peaches. Oh, God.
I don't wanna know about Peaches. No, you do.
Where do you think I learned that thing I did?
[ Man ] ♪ People love you like a diamond in their hands ♪
♪ They don't know that diamond like I do ♪
♪ They put you up in the bluebird sky ♪
♪ Until they lose sight of you ♪
♪ People love you like a diamond ♪
♪ In their hands
♪ I always wanted to chase you down ♪
♪ And like many I fell in love with you ♪
♪ And when you gave your heart back to me ♪
♪ I didn't know what to do ♪
♪ I always wanted
♪ To chase you down
♪ Carry me
♪ Back to your heart tonight ♪
♪ Carry me
♪ Through the moonlit cold midnight ♪
[ Woman ] ♪ If it only was that easy
♪ If you will never know
♪ Be strong and make sure ♪
♪ You love someone
♪ Simple words in the way he called ♪
♪ This mornin'
♪
♪ Don't look too much Don't live too late ♪
♪ Just make sure that you love the life ♪
♪ You make
♪ If it only was that easy
♪ I would surely try it out
♪ If it only was that easy
♪ Who would ever worry about his life ♪
♪
♪ We couldn't choose
♪ Who to be
♪ When there's a difference between you and me ♪
♪ Some are too much
♪ Sometimes too late
♪ I'm just happy I have
♪ A life to live
♪ If it only was that easy
♪ I would surely try it out
♪
♪ If it only was that easy
♪ Who would ever worry about his life ♪
♪ If it only was that easy
♪ I would surely
♪ Try it out
♪
♪ Don't look too much
♪ Don't look too little
♪ Just make sure that you love ♪
♪ The life you live
♪ If it only was that easy
♪ I would surely try it out
♪
♪ If it only was that easy
♪ Who would ever worry
♪ About his life
♪ If it only was that easy
♪ I would surely try it out
♪ [ Fades ]